Houston we have a problem
by Ocean Queen Kai
Summary: I never knew my ever so famous jack Walk meaning I walked like Jack from POTC, would send my falling out a window and onto Mars where I met a few strange martians named Goku, Hakkai, and Gojyo...oh yeah and PMSman, AKA Sanzo. Saiyuki? What's that? NOT AU


Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, so there!  
Also- warning, I use a lot of ellipse things, I know that. I have a lot of unfinished thoughts, since this is kinda like a look inside Kai's mind during her stay in Saiyuki. So those "..."s are used a lot to show how her thoughts stray from one to the other.

...I hope that made sense n.n;

However, I did take out quite a few of them...but there's still kinda bunch-ish.

"This is sad."

No other three words could've ticked me off more. Except for maybe, 'no more Ramen' or, 'you're not able' ((which I was debating over whether or not that was three or four words, since 'you're' was 'you' and 'are' combined...but whatever)). I glowered up at the person who had spoken, and felt my eye twitch.

'Kill...' Growled a voice in the back of my head, which I promptly shut up with cheesecake. All imaginary voices love cheesecake. I don't know why- but they do. Anyway, I surveyed my situation with some difficulty, after all, I was currently under at least a thousand packages of ramen, those things were heavy ya know!

"And you did this...how?" My friend Rosemary stood opposite me, looking clearly amused at these events. Note to self: Kill her amusement with pictures of Saito!Bunny dying. Muwahaha!

I must of started evilly laughing out loud, for Rosemary was giving me that look that I'd dubbed the, 'dude, what?' look. "What?" I asked, trying to look innocently up at her. "I was reaching for some ramen, waaaay up there," I pointed with some difficulty to the top shelf of my cupboard, "I couldn't reach- damn my shortness!- and I couldn't find a stepladder or anything, so I started to climb the shelves, and...yeah."

Rosemary slapped a hand to her forehead, which I figured must have hurt. Or maybe she's built an immunity to the pain or...something.

"What?" I snapped, pouting in anger. "Shaddup!"

"I didn't say anything!" Laughed the other, leaning down as she began to scoop the ramen off of me.

"You just did! So shut up!"

Rosemary gave me a weird look, then shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Do you want me to help you?"

"Yes..." I grumbled, shifting and wiggling about a little to try and dislodge some of the ramen packets. One packet, somehow, managed to get under my stomach- which let me tell you really hurt!

"Owieee! MY SPLEEEEEN!"

"...your spleen?" Rosemary asked, pausing in her shoveling.

"Yes." I defend hotly, "My spleen! I've damaged it! Now it can't do that...stuff that it does!"

"What stuff?"

"How do I know? You think I paid attention in health?" I snapped, "Just help me before it does anymore permanent damage!"

"I don't think a ramen packet's going to do much damage on you spleen..."

"How do you know? You know how unhealthy those noodles are?"

Rosemary nearly fell over. "That's only if you eat it!"

"...Oh...But they still taste good!"

"Yes. They do. Why are we arguing over this?"

I paused to consider this. Why indeed? There was really no logical explanation for our current behavior, so I gave her the next best thing- an illogical explanation!

"It's the position of the moons in the house of Aquarius. It's my enemy star and has caused my down-fall with this ramen-induced accident. I read it the newspaper."

An awkward few moments past, and the LOGIC part of my brain was bashing it's head into the floor. I figured that might not have been the right things to say, as Rosemary had that perplexed look on her face, like she was trying to see if anything I'd said had made any sense. I was curious to know this too, so I stayed silent, watching her for an answer. And I think was about to come in 3...2...1...THERE!

"...WHAT?"

Ok...so maybe not an answer. I don't think there was any real answer to that statement of stupidity that had flown out of my mouth a few moments past. Stupid brain! It was supposed to stop things like that from happening! Or at least stop them from leaving my mouth. I think Rosemary was still waiting for an answer, of which I was currently lacking in. "Hey! Remember my injured spleen? Let's get shoveling before anyone else comes by and sees this!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA!"

I felt my eye twitch. Wonderful, someone had found us. I stared up at my long time guy-friend, Matthew, better known as Matt or, 'that guy there.'

It was then I realized something:

"How'd you get into my house?" I snapped, scowling up at him.

"I used the door." Matt replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, smirking down at me, arms crossed over his chest. I blinked. Huh?

"How'd you find the key? I hid it so well!"

Matt gave me a dubious look, "it was under the sign that said, 'there's no key here,'"

"What? So you mean to tell me that that thing only works on idiotic burglars and stuff?" I was quiet. "...So...why didn't it fool you?" I looked up to him curiously.

Matt's eye twitched and I knew, again that that had been a mistake. LOGIC was practically having an seizure, probably wondering what he'd done to deserve this or something. Pouting rather pitifully, I gave him the cutest look I could muster. Pitiful + cute look Matt eating out of the palm of my hand...s. I did have two of them, after all. Though, I could name one person who didn't have both hands! Like that...one...person. Somewhere. Anyways, as Rosemary finished shoving the ramen off of me, I jumped up, happy to be out of my yummy-ramen prison thingy.

Matt only shook his head as I stagger-walked away, towards the kitchen, three ramen packets in my hands, ready to cook for my friends and I. Rosemary followed, stating quite obviously that the ramen mess was still on the floor. Like it mattered, my grandparents were working until late- I could clean it later. Much later. Like...hours.

I heard my dog scratching at the door, apparently she wanted out. Duh. So, ramen still in hand, I hurried to the door, annoyed at my dog's sudden barking. She probably like...heard the turtle moving and got scared. Coward. Rosemary, who very muchly wanted her damned ramen, followed behind, eyeing the packets in my hands, apparently wondering if she could steal them from me or something. Not that I would let her of course. I was very protective of my ramen- I didn't just give it out for free ya know! Except most of my friends would beat me up if I didn't give them the stupid noodles...humph.

My "Jack Walk," as I'd so appropriately dubbed it, had started up again, and I staggered into the conveniently opened window. Damn window. Anyways, once more, as I seem to have grown a sort of fondness to that stupid word, as I went falling through the window, I grabbed onto the nearest thing that wasn't ramen- which, by the way, was still clutched in my hand, and my hand latched about the wrist of Rosemary, and pulled her with me through the window.

Matt laughed at us from the kitchen. Annoyed I sat up, ready to yell at him for laughing at us, when I found myself in a rather...peculiar situation. I wasn't on my porch like I should've been. Instead, I was sitting in a...desert? What? I knew we'd been having a bit of a drought lately, but I mean, come on! It wasn't THAT bad! Right? I never really noticed these things, as it were, but I did notice that the ramen packets were still firmly held in my hand.

SALVATION! I could still live in this wasteland! Which reminded me, where was my house...? I glanced about, and for the life of me I couldn't see it. Had I shrunk? Or maybe I'd grown like...a giant or something and was sitting on it?

...OHMYGOD! MATT! I jumped up and began searching frantically for my house, thinking maybe I'd sat on it. After about 15 minutes of crawling on my hands and knees, looking for my house, I realized how retarded I must've looked, and stopped.

Oh well...I had food at least.

...Wait...I need water. And a fire. And a pot. I don't think pots grow naturally in deserts, really, so finding one might pose a problem. Maybe I could cook in a coconut. Which posed another questions, were there coconuts in this….um…this? I didn't think so, but I think I heard a car in the distance. I immediately acted on pure instinct and ran towards it. Just…I didn't know that I was literally running at it. I paused and flung my arms out stupidly, as if thinking the might somehow stop it from just swerving around me and keep going. The car, however, did screech to a stop, and it was then I realized that sand and gravel did not work well with emergency stops. With a terrified squeak I ran off, leaving the car to skid to it's quite possible death. After it had stopped, I cautiously made my way back over.

"Um...Hi! I...come...in peace?" I blinked, not sure quite what to say. I could be on mars for all I knew. Though why I would fall out of my window and land on mars, I wouldn't know. That was almost as stupid sounding, and just as impossible as falling out of the window and landing in the desert, I suppose. Maybe I was on Mars. Were they Martians? Could they even speak English?

"What the hell's your problem?" Snapped one of the men,

I blinked. "Hey! You speak English!" The man paused.

"...The fuck is English?"

I blinked. Again. O...k... "Um...or not...never mind...what?"

I simply got stares in response and glanced away from them. "Umm...can you help me? Where am I?"

One man, who seemed to have a permanent smile on his face, was the one to answer. "Are you lost?"

What the hell kind of a question was that? I stared. "no. I always go running around in the middle of a desert, jumping in front of random cares, just for the pleasure of having them pissed off and possibly run me over. Nope, I ain't lost at all. I'm on mars, right?"

More blank stares and then,

"Hey! Is that food?"

"What?" I asked dumbly, looking to the ramen packets in my hand.

"Um...no?"

The boy, he looked like he was 8 or something, looked disappointed. "oh..."

Cute! "Well...this was for my friend Matt...but I think I killed him... so you can have his." I tossed the packet to him at super-lightening speed, which he caught perfectly!

...not. Actually, it flew about a foot away from where I was standing and lay in the dirt. I stared.

"Um...well...I never said I was a great pitcher or nothin'..."

The boy frowned, and I, being unable to resist the adorableness that was he, actually moved to go get the packet, walked over, and handed it to him. He cheered up instantly, but before I could start informing him on how to make it (after all, Martians probably didn't know much about Earth food), he'd ripped open the packet and had started nibbling on the hard noodles. "Or...you could just do that... Listen...can you gimmie a ride to the next civilization that's NOT a random gas station in the middle of Texas?"

More stares and I was starting to grow uncomfortable. "Um...ya know what? never mind...maybe I should just keep walking until I reach somewhere...or until I die from heatstroke..."

The one man, a blonde in the front seat who looked to be on permanent PMS, didn't look like he'd have much of a problem with this. Only the driver seemed actually worried. I think. I couldn't really tell with that weird smile of his...weeeird...maybe he was a sexual predator? Or a serial killer? Like Soujiro!

"The next town isn't for at least another 4 or 5 hours by car...it's possibly doubled that on foot..."

"If she wants to walk, let her." Grumbled the PMSing man, lighting up a cigarette.

"I see ye like yer cancer sticks. Those thing can kill ya-I'd stick to rum if I was ye, savvy?" I nodded, and once again the weird looks were back. I knew seeing Pirates 2 five times in a row was a bad idea.

The red-head leaned up to whisper something to the driver, something along the lines of, "I think she's been out in the sun just a little too long."

I pouted. Wonderful- five minutes and they already thought I was insane...I think that was a record or something. I scuffed my toe against the ground,

"Soooo...can I get a ride?"

I'd always been told not to ride or talk to strangers, unless they offered me candy or really cool toys, but this was a desperate situation.

Driver turned to PMS-man, "Sanzo?"

PMS-man, AKA 'Sanzo,' simply grunted and took another drag of his beloved cancer stick. That was a yes. I think.

"...Ummm...?"

Driver smiled (like he'd ever stopped), "That's a yes in Sanzo language. Please, try to find room."

I glanced at the small jeep, wondering where I was going to fit.

"..." I shrugged and clambered in on the boy's side, the red-head was giving me creepy looks. I climbed over the boy, still happily chewing on the ramen, which I remembered to have still in my hand. I settled for sitting on the back of the seat, and the red-headshot me one of those looks, ya know the, 'haha, I know something you don't know...' Or maybe it was just me.

The jeep jerked into motion, with what I could've sworn to be a sort of purr thingy, and I was nearly knocked back off the seat. I laughed lightly and held on, before realizing something.

"You guys look familiar. Were you in that bank I tried to rob last week?"

"What?" The red-head exclaimed, giving me a, 'wtf?' look.

"I'm kidding! I'm kidding! But seriously- who the hell are you Martians?"

"...Sanzo? What's a martian?" Questioned the boy, of whom Sanzo ignored.

Driver was the first to introduce himself, "I'm Hakkai. Pleased to meet you."

Red-head smirked, "Sha Gojyo, at your service."

Right.

Boy grinned widely, "I'm Goku!"

A grunt.

"And that's Sanzo." Hakkai told me, to which I nodded.

"I'm Kai. Thanks for the ride!"

It was then I, once again, realized something- I most likely wouldn't make it home in time to clean up that ramen mess, and I doubt Matt would've stuck around to do so also. Great- I'm so dead when I get home.

Again, thoughts strayed. Where was Rosemary?


End file.
